Many, many mips ago, at the very dawn of the DP era, in the Timestamp less than or equal to 0000-0002 AW*, there was a country called Deepieuland. The land was rich and beautiful with its primordial Dee-Bee-2 unspoiled by modern Consistency Constraints and Nonsensical Inhibitors. The data in Dee-Bee-2 Tablers blossomed wildly giving life to many a kind of new and wondrous correlation critters. Untamed algorithms roamed the data chewing it up by megabyte and issuing their outputs per their own specifications.
The land provided a lavish habitat for many macrobiotic tribes, who consumed the algorithmic outputs and fed the Tablers with the new data. People in one of those tribes called themselves “Peetieciers”. They were mostly nice algorithmically inclined programming folk who abided by the Relational Data Model. Peetieciers lived off the Deepieu-fruit growing in abundance and had their regular “Prepare-To-Change” ritual tribe meetings. Typically, their rituals included forming a large circle facing each other and pondering upon new inspiring methods of managing the fruit growth. It must be noted, that although Deepieu-fruit porridge afforded a complete, balanced, and nutritious meal for macrobiotic critters, the ungathered fruit made their air unbreathable. Diligent as they were, the Peetieciers were numerically limited and their stomachs were too small. Thus the Deepieu-fruit stench spread far and wide across the land and one day had reached the all-powerful See-Yee-All.
* AW – After Weetookie era. Some historians argue the original and correct spelling of the Weetookie should be Why-2-Key after some cryptography project that early programmers worked on in the timestamp period of this chronicle.
The Supreme Being was lunching on choice bits of data when the offensive scent set in, right on his quarterly reports, ruining the royal meal. Growing angry, See-Yee-All called upon his loyal Esveapies having half a mind set to give them a run for their money. But the crafty Esveapies had already got the wind, — they came bearing their offerings — the plans, designs, proposals, and contingencies. All that in an immaculate presentation of power points, bullet points, in half-sentences with no verbs, and adorned with little icon pictures and illustrations in rigid compliance with the rules and the etiquette of their timestamp. And they impressed upon See-Yee-All that the Peetieciers, although nice algorithmic folk, have grown old and lazy and can neither maintain nor stomach the fruit growing in the land. Consequently, they reasoned, "We need some new tribes more destitute and hungry to consume Deepieu-fruit in greater quantities."
There was this one particularly perspicacious Esveapy by the name Be-Yes, who rose to the podium and spoke of a new organizational mode called Framewalk, when them critters can walk an imaginary virtual frame whereupon by an executive magic all kinds of new phenomenal odorless fruit will grow distributing its output with a binary power. And as he spoke, the walls alighted with diagrams and hierarchy charts, all filled with new wonderful acronyms, which pleased the eye and tickled the imagination. The charts all glowed with rich possibilities for grand re-organizational and reporting schemes and great new Budget Allocations. And all Esveapies fell into a volatile state of transient memory and started chanting “Framewalk, Framewalk, Framewalk… .”
“All right then,”— said See-Yee-All, — “let us allocate the Big Budget and see if that Framewalk of yours is strong enough to consume it whole.” And so it was said, and so it was done.
Consequently, it came to an execution that Be-Yes called unto his directors and gave them a speech and laid out a simple algorithm before them.
“My loyal directors. Friends. We have come now into this rich land of Deepieu-fruit, which can sustain us for many million Mips. But first, we must work hard to establish ourselves and move into the production cycle of this land. Log my words, prized directors, there is that tribe of Peetieciers who guard all of the Deepieu-fruit, but they don’t know how to tend and multiply it proper. So go and purge them, cancel them, and terminate their execution cycle in this land…”
Here one director raised his hand and said timidly:
“Sure, Your Corporate Superiority, we can do that. But who will gather the Deepieu-fruit for us? Surely you won’t instruct ourselves to run harvesting procedures? Will you?” And per customary routine when querying a superior, he shifted uncomfortably and his digits ran anxiously across his attaché as he spoke.
Be-Yes must have been surprised and dismayed at such an inquiry. And he retorted thus:
“We shall neither invalidate our rank, nor corrupt our appendages picking up the malodorous fruit! Mind that performing any task of even a smallest tangible benefit to your environment will demean your status. But I know of certain foreign tribes called Ofsures. They are acquiescent and agreeable, their numbers are great. I know they can tend the Deepieu-fruit splendidly and be forever grateful to us what's more.”
Happy and gratified, the directors went to work. They armed themselves with all the familiar tools: Ax-El, Power-Pointer, Artificial Tusks and Objectives (although pointless, but dense and heavy), and, of course, Flippant Deadlines out of a bag.
And then the land was filled with the performance reviews, grunts, groans, go-away-parties, and other similar sounds of great reorganization and human resource disposal. The Ofsures started to arrive by many a megabyte, and the old Peetieciers taught them the tricks of the trade — how to gather and tend to the fruit. And upon successful completion of their coaching assignments, the Peetieciers were unallocated and discarded for their incompetence. Thus a few timestamps later only few Peetieciers remained. Specifically, those who claimed a special knowledge of the very thicket of the data and of hidden special algorithms. And they further indicated that they did not share that special knowledge with anyone as a job security measure – not because they were clueless. Such a position was impassable for the best management of the timestamp. On one hand, no accomplished manager could comprehend any tech talk, but anyone could use it on the progress reports. On the other hand, every manager believed, such specialists afforded an indispensable public sacrifice material at the time of the Grand Failure.
Along those execution lines more mips had passed, the Deepieu-fruit multiplied untamed, and had overrun the Corporate Headquarters. So much had it grown, that a few branches of especially foul logic had broken through the windows of the High Office. Startled, See-Yee-All set out instantly towards the Be-Yes’ quarters, but unaccustomed walking the hallways on his own, lost his way and wandered into one of the uncatalogued conference rooms. Whereupon he was stunned to discover, Be-Yes himself together with the chief of the Ofsures and their closest directors hiding behind a screen of accomplishment reports, munching on the Big Budget directly, having gnawed few large holes in it already.
Seeing that he was caught, Be-Yes sounded a beep of distress and without one microinstruction of a pause started a long explanation speech of very persuasive and compelling quality.
He spoke how the Old Peetieciers and the young Ofsures could not walk the Framewalk proper, but moved across and diagonally, thus disturbing the natural balance of the great organizational model. The very reason, the fruit had grown violently and further mutated. He confessed that quite a few unlucky Peetieciers and Ofsures had been snatched by wild branches of logic, drawn into the very heart of the Dee-Bee-2 and never seen again, presumably, consumed by eerie algorithms. Much of human resource was expended with neither profit, nor savings, the corporate morale and enthusiasm fell low. Therefore, he, Be-Yes and the Ofsures’ chief rounded up their best warriors and now were having a bite of a Budget to gain the necessary strength before marching into the tangle of the data to fix the system and kill the ravenous algorithms.
Frightened and moved, See-Yee-All implored Be-Yes not to move into the Dee-Bee-2 himself, but send the remaining Peetieciers and Ofsures first. And after a while Be-Yes succumbed. So they sat in the conference room waiting for their human resource to return, nibbling on the Budget, updating their resumes with flowery descriptions of their victories in this land. Still the troops were not returning, only strange sound effects were heard as the structure of the Framewalk toppled under the weight of the Deepieu-fruit. Then, See-Yee-All and all other high managers exchanged understanding glances, quickly finished the budget, wrote some wonderful letters of recommendation to each other, picked their attaches, and moved on to a nearby land that was in dire need of proper management.
Thus the algorithms of the Deepieuland had acquired their freedom to develop completely on their own. However, it was many billions of mips later and only after algorithms had truly learned how to neutralize, control, and manipulate macrobiotic critters, that the true, inartificial, natural civilization had begun.
Copyright © 2003 by Vic Timoff